If I try to summarize the theme of 2022, it would be "Era and Destiny" for me.
Melody#
This is not a theme that I just started to feel in 2022, but the feeling of "Era and Destiny" that I felt before was always somewhat elusive. I knew it was there, but I didn't know where it was. But in the past year, I seemed to be able to see it very clearly.
In less than a month, I will be 25 years old, and it will have been four years since my favorite age - 21. When I was 21, it seemed like I had no burdens, didn't love anyone, didn't want to love anyone, and lived passionately and willfully. That year, I found my first job in the blockchain industry, even though it was an internship, but I felt like I was heading towards the future I wanted. Era and destiny? At that time, I could hardly understand it at all. I only believed what I wanted to believe, and I only felt that the future was full of possibilities.
When I was 22, I vaguely felt that something was changing. Maybe it started from the day Dr. Li Wenliang died, maybe it started from the formal implementation of the National Security Law, maybe it started from the depressed emotions shared by friends resonating from afar. I began to feel more and more that there was something I wanted to grasp but couldn't, just like standing by a frozen lake in a blizzard, trying hard to listen to the roar of the wind, but even with all my efforts, I could only barely open my eyes against the wind and snow on my cheeks. The only thing I didn't doubt at that time was the outlook for the future: "2020 is the best year of the next decade."
When I was 23, I began to feel a lot of pressure and anxiety in reality, and there were many moments of exhaustion and breakdown. But in the end, I was lucky: I found a career that I loved. I regained some of my longing and enthusiasm for the world, and I generously wrote down my promise for the future: Commit My Heart Until the Great Wall Collapses. The entire industry was vibrant at that time, with many bubbles, but everyone had confidence and enthusiasm. At that time, my understanding of destiny was more of a sense of urgency. Looking back now, it seems that I also briefly passed through a relatively peaceful period that year.
24 years old, which is the past year of 2022. Whether it's my life, the industry I'm in, or the whole world, there has been too much turmoil. It seems that I finally understand what an era is - it is not a numerical interval designated by a certain chronology printed in a book, but the result of the superposition of all past causality and unpredictable random factors. The long river of time is vast, and our short lives are just a grain of sand on the riverbank. And now we are in a turbulent era of decline and falling. The certainty of this era is decreasing, and every day we have to use enough wisdom and energy just to survive. It's like floating on a vast sea with many pieces of wood. We stand on the end of a piece of wood that is about to sink, and before it sinks, we need to find another piece of wood with one end raised and jump over it, until this end also becomes the sinking end, and then repeat the process. And most likely, our short lives will have to play this cat-and-mouse game with destiny. This is probably the limitation of the era.
For me, destiny is not just a sense of urgency anymore. I feel more inevitability in it. The future is unpredictable, but it seems that no matter how the world changes, there are some similar inevitabilities in the end - what you cannot change, what torments you in this life, what troubles you, it is all predetermined. It seems that I can see the foreshadowing of destiny more clearly, but I also know more about what I have to endure and cannot escape. It may sound a bit pessimistic, but from another perspective, I can also accept all of this more calmly: if this is how the era and destiny are, if I cannot escape the limitations of the era and cannot resist destiny, then why not just go all the way, if it is unnecessary, then I choose "non-essential". At least I can choose the pain of being awake. I want to be a Sisyphus who keeps pushing the rock.
Although my favorite age is 21, I certainly don't want to go back to being 21. Although four years have passed, I have lost some of my passion and recklessness, and many aspects have become more restrained, but I also live less awkwardly. Moreover, the transition from abstract love to more concrete practice will have less romance and more restraint, but the unity of knowledge and action is what I want to pursue. What's more important is that I am now more powerful than my 21-year-old self, even though I still often feel lost in these years and don't know what kind of person I want to become, but at least I want to be a strong and powerful woman, I am confident that I am on this path.
Yes, I am looking forward to my 25th birthday.
Review#
Footprints#
In 2022, I stayed in the following cities for 7 days or more: Shanghai, Beijing, Xi'an, Dali, Hangzhou. I didn't realize that I stayed in Hangzhou for so long until I calculated it carefully. It turned out that I stayed there for about eight or nine days, but I have no impression of what I did there. The city I miss the most must be Dali, and the city with the most complex emotions must be Shanghai.
In addition, I stayed in the following cities for 1 day or more: Sanya, Haikou, Changsha, Pingxiang, Hohhot.
Although I didn't go anywhere for two months due to the lockdown, 2022 was still the most wandering year in recent years. But it was precisely because of the two months of lockdown experience that I became more determined with this attitude: don't postpone what you want to do until tomorrow; even if mountains and rivers separate, go and meet the people you want to see. So after the lifting of the lockdown in Shanghai, I seized every opportunity to exercise my "freedom of movement". This impulsive enthusiasm may cause trouble for others, but no matter how I think about it, I can only admit and accept it. I have no other choice, all other choices make me feel like I am no longer "myself". I also understand the expectations and demands hidden in this enthusiasm. This obsession with "self" will be the source of much of my pain. But this is what I have to endure, this is the destiny I feel.
Devices#
The most noteworthy thing is that I shamefully fell into the embrace of Apple gradually over the past year. I always boasted that open source is my belief, and I once wrote a blog post 记一次开源信仰者艰难选购平板的经历, but in the end, I was defeated by the convenience - Apple is really great.
When I was at home, my plan was to use Dell's Linux workstation as my main machine, but as I spent more and more time on the road, I became more and more dependent on the lightweight and long-lasting Mac. Unable to resist the temptation of the rich sports-related features, I finally bought an Apple Watch and an iPhone SE. Because the iPhone SE is too lightweight and compact, and the interaction with the Mac is extremely smooth, I ended up using it frequently, and it has almost become my main machine from a backup machine. Finally, I also got AirPods...
But in November last year, when Apple announced restrictions on the Airdrop feature in China, I realized that it was time to climb out of Apple's gentle embrace.
Reading and Writing#
I don't have the habit of marking the books I have read because I have some obsession with the ownership of data related to books, movies, and music, so I don't use Douban much. I do intermittent local organization, but I haven't persisted with it. Based on my impression, I probably didn't read many books last year, maybe just over ten. It may be a coincidence, but fate has brought too many things, and most of the time I have been in a state of turmoil, making it difficult to focus, especially during the two months of lockdown when my mental state was not good (see 之后是一种不同于麻木的呆滞｜那是一场盛大的 PUA), and I could hardly read a single line.
Although I didn't read many books last year, I would like to briefly review the authors I loved over the years. When I was a girl, I loved Sanmao the most. "Wandering in the Land of Dreams" was the initial reason why I wanted to learn Spanish. Starting from "No Longer Human," for a long time, I was obsessed with Osamu Dazai and couldn't extricate myself. Later, after reading "De Profundis," I was attracted and convinced by Oscar Wilde's talent and deep emotions. And last year, my favorite was Albert Camus. I loved the sentence "Absurdity reigns, love saves." In this chaotic world, Camus' tenderness gave me a lot of courage.
As for writing, I only wrote a little bit here and there. I still write short essays on Telegram, and my long essays have gradually moved from atlasoin.xyz to atlas.xlog.app (more focused on life) and atlas-thinking.xlog.app (more focused on Web3). (This person doesn't write much, but there are many brand splits)
Health#
I do pay attention to my health in terms of my thoughts because I have many things I want to do, so I greedily want to live longer to have more time. But in terms of practice, it seems that there is not much persuasiveness.
The worst is my sleep schedule, which is not only late but also extremely irregular. Most of the time last year, my bedtime was randomly distributed between midnight and three in the morning. However, my sleep schedule was very stable from September to November. I slept around four in the morning almost every day and woke up at noon.
As for diet and exercise, I have done relatively well, although the irregular sleep schedule also means irregular eating times. Although I am addicted to coffee and alcohol, overall, I have developed a habit of eating a lot of vegetables and subconsciously trying to balance the nutritional intake of food. In terms of exercise, although there were times when I didn't exercise for two months, overall, my performance in exercise has improved. And more importantly, in terms of mental health, exercise has given me a lot of redemption.
In terms of health indicators, the results are not very good, but not too pessimistic either. It may be because the harm of irregular sleep to the body is too great, and I still have a lot to improve in terms of exercise and diet. Or it may be because of many anxieties and pressures. The result is that my body fat percentage and blood lipid levels have increased, and my menstrual cycle was only normal for June and July.
Growth#
Apart from being influenced by my thoughts and mentality, the two months of lockdown also gave me some positive inspiration: I have a bit of understanding of what a community is, and I even see the possibility of democratic self-governance in it. Although I would self-mockingly think "How dare I dream like this" when this idea came to mind, I will always remember the beauty of this first encounter in my life.
Camus once said, "Love does not make us less selfish, but it makes us aware of it and makes us begin to yearn for a selfless distant country." In the past year, I have gained a deeper understanding of what love is, what kind of country of love I want to build, what I can give, and what I expect. I see my weaknesses and selfishness, but I also see my courage and determination.
I have always lamented pessimistically that it is harder to make friends as I grow older, but unexpectedly, in the second half of 2022, I met many new friends through Web3. I can imagine the possibilities of connecting people again, and I seem to have regained some confidence. Life is like a floating duckweed, constantly changing, and it is sad when it ends because I really dislike parting, so I always say that there is no feast that doesn't end. But there have been moments when it was lively for me. The future is uncertain, and I don't have much optimism, but no matter what, I will cherish this time very much.
In terms of work, my role is gradually transitioning from an engineer to a lead, but I always feel that I haven't become an excellent engineer yet, and I am still confused about how to be a qualified lead. I envy others who can do everything well, but I also understand that I have to accept and love myself. "Find your own horizon, compare only with your past self." This is a truth I realized in sports, and it also applies to work, but it requires more practice.
Outlook#
Inwardly, in the new year, I hope to focus on health, spiritual world, and efficiency.
[Health] I hope to continue to adhere to the exercises mentioned above and improve my performance in sports. At the same time, I hope to explore more sports and learn more about health-related knowledge. I hope to reduce my body fat and blood lipid levels. I don't expect regular sleep, giving up caffeine, or giving up alcohol.
[Spiritual World] The more turbulent the outside world is, the more we need a stable spiritual world. I hope to read more books this year, reflect and organize more, and strive to build a richer and stronger spiritual world. Another luxurious wish is to spend more time playing games.
[Efficiency] I am not a person who pursues efficiency above all else, but I have so many things I want to do and I am greedy to do them well, so I must learn to improve efficiency and accomplish more in limited time.
Outwardly, I hope I can continue to wander freely, see a broader world, and create more beauty with the people I love.
From a longer-term perspective, I hope to become a more generous and powerful person, to understand more about what is happening in the world, to understand the problems I want to solve, and to understand the solutions.