This article is a summary of the period from March 19, 2023 to March 25, 2023.
Scene#
He looked at her attentively. Even when he closed his eyes, he could still see her. He breathed in her face. He breathed in the breath of a child in front of him, closing his eyes and inhaling the heat emitted from her body. The boundaries of this body gradually became unclear. This body was different from other bodies. It was not limited, it had no end. It continued to expand in this room, it had no fixed form, it was constantly forming, and it existed not only in the place he saw, but also in other places. It appeared beyond his vision, moving towards motion, towards death, extending. It was flexible and changeable, it started in joy, and the whole body followed. It was like an adult, reaching adulthood without evil intentions, but with a kind of terrifying intelligence.
Excerpt from "Lover".
This passage is a description from the novel "Lover" when the male and female protagonists are about to separate, and they greedily absorb each other's sexual desires in a hopeless love. The perspective of the description is from the female protagonist (the author). If there is a question about how to describe a sexual encounter without using any genital words, I think this passage can be considered exemplary. Words like "expanding continuously" and "having no end" describe greed and intensity, but at the end, it is clearly felt that there is a sense of heaviness and fear of the unknown.
Speaking of sexual descriptions, I remember there is a very clever description in the first part of the book.
His hands were excellent, really skilled. I was so lucky. Obviously, it was a kind of skill. He indeed had that skill. What to do, what to say, he didn't know, but he did it without any mistakes, very accurately. He treated me like a prostitute, a lowly woman. He said I was his only love. Of course, he should say that. Let him say it. Let him do what he said. Let the body do what he wanted, seek, find, take, and get. Very good, all good. There is no extra waste. Everything is repackaged, everything is carried away by the rushing water, everything is washed away by the power of desire.
Excerpt from "Lover".
This passage describes the first sexual encounter between the male and female protagonists. It can be clearly seen that there is a sense of freshness, and the air is filled with a relaxed and even frivolous joy. It forms a sharp contrast with the later despair and decline.
As for my own life this week, I have hardly left the house a few times, so there is nothing worth recording.
Life#
Due to my foot injury, I have been resting this week. Except for the entertainment activity of going to the movies on the weekend, I have hardly left the house and have not done any exercise. The result of staying at home is a chaotic schedule. I sleep from five to seven in the morning every day, and the time I wake up depends on whether I have something to do the next morning. Sometimes I may sleep two or three times a day, with each nap not exceeding four hours. In short, it's a mess, and I haven't seen the sun for a week. I hope to spend most of my time at home next week, and I don't expect my schedule to return to normal completely, but I plan to gradually resume exercising.
Insult to Intelligence and Economic Loss#
As mentioned above, one day in the early morning when my brain was not very clear and the ladder was shaking, the network card was not working well, I was annoyed and in a state of browsing the web with an empty mind. I didn't know what I was doing, and I clicked several confirmations on Metamask in a row... After clicking, I suddenly felt something was wrong and immediately became alert. The website was still loading slowly, and after a while, the scan page finally opened - it was too late. Regret, too late.
The economic loss is one aspect, and on the other hand, I feel that my intelligence is being insulted. I feel like a fool. I can't believe I fell for such a low trick as a phishing website. Fortunately, I am good at comforting myself. After all, "spending all your money and coming back" is a phrase I often say (although I like this phrase more because of the first half: "When the child is about to leave, exchange for fine wine" :P). I comfort myself by saying that I probably need to be slapped twice to have enough alertness. SIGN IT IF YOU MEAN IT, this is the first rule of survival in the dark forest. I hope I always remember.
Growth#
I will eventually build my own life.
One day, when I leaned against the wall at my parents' house, I suddenly had this thought. Will I choose to buy a house somewhere in the future? It would be a completely different experience from renting a house, right? It feels like... a sense of rooting. Will that be the life I choose to build? If so, where would I choose to root? And if I continue to live like I do now, constantly renting and traveling, can that be considered the life I choose? Regardless of which kind of life, it will be "me" building it from scratch - not just the cost of living, but the entire system of life.
Life.
It brings me back to those classic questions - what is a good life? What is the meaning of life? How should we view present attachments? How should we spend our short lives? How will I look back on my life when I am old? How do I accept my messy life and bravely face death? If I become an old person who is greedy and afraid of death, how do I face my own ugly behavior?... If there really is a God, these questions would probably be easily answered. But that would be escaping from freedom, and I cannot choose to believe in God. The only choice in front of me is existentialism.
Input and Output#
This week, I watched "Bellflower Journey" (in theaters) and the theatrical version of "Yuru Camp". "Bellflower Journey" is... a review of it can be found here. As for the theatrical version of "Yuru Camp", it was just average. I didn't expect it to be a story about entrepreneurship, but it was not passionate or growth-oriented enough to be considered a youth idol anime (even after watching it, my conclusion is: working with the government is indeed troublesome). It is not delicate or profound enough to be considered a slice-of-life anime that is enjoyable and funny. Overall, it's just ordinary. I haven't watched anime or movies for a long time, but after watching two movies this weekend, I feel like my appetite has been whetted, and now I really want to find some good stories to satisfy my cravings.
I finished reading "The Lover" by Marguerite Duras this week. The most classic line in this book is the opening paragraph:
You were young then, everyone said you were beautiful. Now, I am here to tell you that for me, you are more beautiful now than when you were young. That is because you are a young woman, and compared to your appearance back then, I love your current ravaged face more.
Even before I read this book, the deep and passionate love that transcends time and space in this passage had fascinated me for a long time. Although I have let go of many attachments now and can accept the coming and going of people in the world, I still cherish the beauty of "reuniting with important people in the end". I mean, truly reuniting, without the need for further interaction. For me, this ending is enough to redeem all the struggles and pain that came before.
One of the biggest feelings after reading this book is that literary works are really difficult to understand. There are many subtle emotions, and I can feel the beautiful rhythm of the words and vaguely sense the emotions behind the words, but I am far from being able to perceive the different emotional dimensions behind the metaphors and images, and grasp the direction of the story. I think the writing style of this book, whether it's the jumps in time and space or the transformation of the characters, is too abrupt and greatly increases the difficulty of reading.
In addition, xLog has launched creator incentives recently. In order to receive timely notifications of whether I have received tips from others or new comments, and to better track the new works of bloggers I like, I created a small tool called xToti - a Telegram bot that allows custom message notifications and sends messages to my Telegram channel. It is currently a preliminary version for personal use, and there are a series of planned updates, including the ability to directly reply to messages in the Telegram channel across platforms on Crossbell.