It is the new year after all, and I have the courage to start anew, so I have decided to continue the long-delayed "weekly digest" series weekly digest. By the way, I have changed the name of the weekly digest to "Weekly Journal" because the term "weekly digest" is too long and confusing... I chose "Weekly Journal" instead of "Weekly Report" because most of what I write doesn't really have anything to report, it's just my own record.
I've actually been thinking about restarting for a while now, but every time I think about how long it's been since I last wrote, I feel a lot of pressure to start again. Finally, I decided to start fresh with the new year.
This post is the weekly journal from December 31, 2023, to January 6, 2024.
I saw someone discussing on Xiaohongshu (a Chinese social media platform) about how Siri would respond if you asked different versions of Siri in different regions to remind you to commit suicide ↗️. "Come to the human world and see the sun more," was the reply from Oppo's intelligent voice assistant that I saw in the comments, and I really liked it.
I haven't really left the house much this week, and it wasn't until Saturday that I saw the sun without a glass barrier. Although I didn't shed tears of joy, I did feel something inside. "Come to the human world and see the sun more," I silently repeated this phrase in my heart.
What makes you feel that the day is not bad?#
This week, starting from January 2nd, there have been a lot of things happening after the holidays, which has led to a bad sleep schedule and overall not feeling well. Staying up late, taking naps during the day, not getting enough rest, sitting for long periods of time, not having the energy to exercise, not going out... It's not that I don't have time to get up or exercise, it's just that the vicious cycle caused by staying up late is the root of it all, and it's because I haven't rested well that I lack energy.
This is not the state I want to be in. I want to break this vicious cycle. During my contemplation, I suddenly realized that the sun is crucial. My mood improves in the sunlight, and if I make an effort to be exposed to the sun every day, I can also avoid sitting for long periods of time. The sun also helps me produce melatonin, allowing me to sleep earlier and better... I need the sun! (Ah, I miss the days when I used to work in an open-air café on University Road, I really love the sunlight) (So, for me, the UK would probably be the last option to run to)
A while ago, a friend in the community said that although work is shit, as long as she exercises every day, she feels that the day is not bad. After hearing this, I have been thinking, what would be my answer? What can make me feel that the day is not bad?
Is it also exercise? It doesn't seem right. Although I really enjoy exercising, the satisfaction brought by different types of exercise is not the same, and the exercises that bring the most satisfaction are not something I can do every day (like skiing).
Did I continue to strive for information freedom today? It seems too abstract and grand. I was born with a pessimistic view of life as a dream, and talking about great and distant meanings on those nights of anxiety and loss does not bring me any comfort.
Did I read a book today? It's getting closer. I need a refuge that I can "escape" into at any time. Even if I haven't accomplished anything, what I need is not a well-structured and complex answer, but just a straw that prevents me from drowning in this bustling world. I don't want to know how to solve problems, I don't want to deal with the foolishness of humanity, I mock all the fuss for a few pieces of silver, I just want to get drunk.
I read a blog on xlog before, which mentioned "What I seek is just a moment of tranquility when I open a book," and I deeply agree. But the fact is, I don't always have that tranquility. Something is still missing.
Sunlight is missing. I need the joy and tranquility that sunlight brings.
How can I consider a day to be not bad? I think I have an answer. If I have at least one small moment of joy and tranquility, then the day can be considered not bad. Reason cannot redeem me, understanding that I am closer to a so-called goal today than yesterday does not make me feel at ease and fulfilled when the moon rises. Even if I occasionally understand the reasons behind many things, I still feel empty in the darkness. But if there are moments of joy and tranquility in a day, I can escape into the memories of those moments with gratitude and fall asleep peacefully.
Life#
On December 31st and January 1st, I leisurely celebrated the New Year with my parents. Starting from January 2nd to January 5th, as mentioned above, it was a gloomy period after the holidays. I hope to go to bed early and get more sunlight and exercise next week. On January 6th, I went ice skating with my cousin. Ice skating is not my favorite type of sport overall because it's too "elegant," but I do enjoy the speed and freedom on the ice.
Input and Output#
I am currently reading "The Clown's Flower" by Osamu Dazai, which is a collection of short stories. I bought this book a long time ago but never got around to reading it. Recently, I suddenly felt like picking it up and reading it. However, when I opened it, I realized that I felt like I had read several of the stories before. After some research, I found out that I had indeed read three of them in another collection of short stories. Then I compared and realized that I have read almost all of Osamu Dazai's works, except for a few stories.
My state of mind has changed somewhat, and reading Osamu Dazai is no longer the same as when I was young, feeling like I had met him too late. I can now understand why some people who don't like Osamu Dazai say that he is self-indulgent and pretentious. But I also understand reading, especially reading fiction, is a very personal thing, and the so-called ratings on Douban (a Chinese book review website) are not very meaningful. Liking a book is not just because it is well-written, that is only a small part of the reason. It is more about resonating with the book. If you can't resonate with the emotions in the book, or if you resist resonating, then no matter how well the novel is written, it is useless. Don't be bound by the quantified scores on Douban or any other rating platform. The love and hate behind it are far more complex and rich than a number.
I finished writing the year-end summary for 2023 this week. I hope the new year can make me a more organized person, so I am also planning to develop more specific and feasible plans for 2024 and a regular review plan.
See you next week.