This year seems to have been very long, and indeed a lot has happened. Good, bad, mundane, absurd, so much, some of which is hard to look back on, but more is the hope of being able to cherish precious memories forever in my heart.
The biggest change in life this year should be moving from China to Spain, along with many subsequent events and decisions, some of which hurt the people who love me.
There have also been many ups and downs in my mindset. The biggest gain is that I feel I live more "peacefully" now, less confused. I am increasingly accepting of myself, and I no longer constantly question what I truly want. I understand that this is not the right question because desires are endless; there is always something else you want, and nothing is truly what you "really" want. I feel that what I have is neither too much nor too little, I am neither rushing nor lagging behind, I am on the path to becoming the person I want to be. I increasingly need less external validation, so much so that my desire to express myself is even diminishing because I value experiencing life in the present moment more. I still often struggle, but I have more courage to move forward with intention.
However, it is worth mentioning that achieving this is not about thinking, but precisely about not thinking. To see, to listen, to do, to feel, rather than to think.
According to my thoughts from last year, as mentioned in the year-end summary, this idea of avoiding the world made me feel like I was becoming numb and despicable little by little. But now I have more peace in accepting this, "Where there is a way, it is seen; where there is no way, it is hidden."
People tend to selectively forget extremely painful things; this seems to be a protective mechanism of humans. At least for me, it is so. But I also know that forgetting is never truly forgetting; painful fragments will always return in unexpected forms to entangle oneself, sometimes making me cry out in heart-wrenching sadness in dreams, and sometimes causing me to panic and spasm in reality.
I can only choose to accept the boundaries of my abilities; no matter what, I should take care of myself first. I accept the meaninglessness of life, accept the absurdity of the world, and accept my contentment with the status quo.
Although I am sure that a large part of this mindset is due to the environmental factors around me, the sun in Madrid is healing me. I don't know how long this mindset will last; in fact, maintaining this mindset may not necessarily be good, as it can be overly negative. Let it be. "Life is meant to be experienced, and the heart is meant to be broken." At least I have experienced it.
Review of 2024#
Footprints#
This year I didn't go to many places; as mentioned, I mainly did one thing: moved from living in China to living in Madrid.
Why Spain? Let's skip the practical factors for now; the seeds of emotion probably took root long ago. My longing for Spain can probably be traced back to my teenage years when I was amazed by the romantic world depicted by San Mao, "Why wander far away, for the olive tree in my dreams."
People often ask me why I don't travel around Europe now that I'm in Madrid. Why should I? I think living in Madrid is great. The detailed experience of connecting with the local culture, feeling, and trying to integrate into local life (even though I can never truly integrate) feels wonderful. During road trips, the vehicle speeds past one city after another, carelessly and freely, but sometimes it inevitably feels lonely.
I like Madrid, but I know I will still leave here. I don't understand why, even though I hate goodbyes and loneliness so much. Perhaps it's because the pirate flag is calling me. "Freedom comes at a price," I keep brainwashing myself with this.
Speaking of the footprints of 2024, the cities/counties where I stayed for 7 days or more: Xi'an, Beijing, Chongli, Shanghai, Hainan, Wudang Mountain, and Madrid. Other cities/countries I visited: Yulin, Hong Kong, Germany (Munich), and Austria (Innsbruck).
Beijing, Shanghai, and Xi'an seem to be unavoidable routine stops. However, I am sure I like Xi'an; I have seriously thought about what I like about Xi'an, and in the end, I found that what I like most is the feeling of being surrounded by Shaanxi dialect as soon as I return to Xi'an.
It's hard to talk about love or indifference regarding Beijing and Shanghai.
The trip to Wudang Mountain gave me great inspiration. It didn't make me understand many things right away, but after experiencing some specific things, it helped me better understand the illusory side of some delusions. I have read the principles, but the firsthand experience is more important to me.
After coming to Europe, I took the time to meet a relative I had contact with in childhood and two friends I have known for five years in Germany. From all corners of the world, I didn't expect everyone to reunite in Munich. Even though I have heard many complaints from people living in Germany about Germany, my actual impression of Germany is much better than I expected.
Love, Loneliness, and Foreign Lands#
Many events that happened in the first half of this year made me overly pessimistic about love, even about having loved. "Life is still very lonely, but I don't believe love is the redemption." This is a note I wrote on my phone after drinking two cups alone on the night of July 30, 2024. "Love is an imported product," I have written quite a bit on this topic.
But later, when I reread Camus's words, "Love does not make us less selfish, but it can make us aware of it and inspire us to long for a distant land without selfishness," I felt infinite emotion, making me want to believe in the power of love and have many, many expectations.
In the second half of the year, I was repeatedly surrounded by the familiar feeling of loneliness in a foreign land. When talking with friends, I was asked if there was any profound connection when living in China. Naturally, there wasn't. The loneliness of big cities is nothing new. At first glance, it seems reasonable. But actually, it is not. No matter how out of place you feel, in China, you never need to "integrate" because you already are. Under heaven, all land is the king's. Your anger is justified, and your fate is shared with others in every breath. But there, it is not home.
p.s. A very moving blog I read about the loneliness and confusion of new immigrants: https://www.chicheng.run/posts/fujian-women-immigration-review/
Not Being Defined#
In last year's year-end summary, I mentioned the confusion of identity. Yes, I find it hard to define myself, feeling out of place with the world over and over again. Self-identifying as a digital nomad, I actually don't want to label myself this way or integrate into the so-called "digital nomad" community. I always feel this is a superficial state; I want to say I want to integrate locally, but I am destined not to be able to. Moreover, a true man should yearn for the azure sea and the lofty mountains.
I am attached to the prosperity of the city, yet I also pride myself on being "by nature fond of hills and mountains"; I am intoxicated by the East Asian-style subtlety of "the moonlight tonight is beautiful" and also love the bold and passionate Latin American romance; I mock the hustle and bustle for a few pieces of silver, yet I also understand the truth that "poor couples have all kinds of woes."
The combination of a Sun in Aquarius and a Leo rising seems to determine that I am a contradictory entity. I choose to accept that "not being defined" itself is a form of identity.
Living in the Moment#
I previously mentioned the loneliness in a foreign land, but of course, this is not the whole story. Coming to Spain is undoubtedly exhilarating and joyful, but it doesn't carry any epic sense of significance or mission; it's just a journey of a panicked mouse. I don't want to talk about the fresh air of freedom, nor do I want to criticize or attack some grand abstract concepts; I just want to love specific people, live in a concrete life, and I hope to understand this world more while maintaining a kind and brave soul. I want to seriously appreciate every moment of being an ant yet beautiful as a god.
And this, to a large extent, is what Spain has taught me. There is a passionate spirit of living in the moment in Spanish culture that fascinates me.
Here, I quote a passage from Maugham's "Spanish Theme Variations":
In Spain, people are poetry, painting, and architecture. People are the philosophy of this country. These Spaniards of the Golden Age lived, felt, and acted, but they did not think. They pursued and discovered life, a restless, passionate, diverse life. Passion is the seed of their existence, and passion is also the flower they bloom. … Their excellence lies in different directions: it is a kind of character excellence. In this regard, I think no one can surpass them; only the ancient Romans can compete with them. This energetic nation seems to have invested all its vitality and originality into one goal, one singular goal: the creation of humanity. They are not good at art; they excel in a field greater than art—humanity.
This year I began to question and reflect on many things, including whether engaging in "creative activities" is truly worth pursuing. The two most passionate activities in the second half of the year were learning languages and exercising. Engaging in these activities certainly contains creative elements, but overall they are not typical creative activities, yet they made me feel very grounded and satisfied. Language allows me to connect with more people/cultures, and physical exhaustion prevents me from overthinking. That's enough.
Looking Forward to 2025#
I don't have many thoughts on worldly ambitions; wealth and status are not my concern. It is good to be able to make money, but if not, I can only accept fate; it is good to have a carefree life, but when fate arrives, one must choose to be brave.
My expectation for the new year is to see more, hear more, do more, and feel more, and to think less.
-
Better mastery of languages and connections with more people
- A question I thought about a long time ago is that we always want this and that, for example, to speak many languages. If we could easily achieve these, would we really be happy? The answer seems to be no. Precisely because we are not omniscient and omnipotent gods, we can occasionally experience the joy that transcends our smallness when connecting with more people and feeling needed, affirmed, loved, and respected.
- The premise of connecting with people is a certain degree of boundary invasion between individuals. This is what I am least good at. I want to practice mutual indebtedness and help each other more comfortably.
-
An even stronger body
- Will the development of AI make me anxious? No. AI cannot replace me in training; it won't make me jump higher, lift heavier, or run faster. I want a stronger and stronger body.
- However, as healthy and sustainable as possible. I really don’t want to get injured again; I want to exercise until I’m old.
-
Read more books and write more words
- At least have a portable refuge to escape to. Just seeking peace of mind.
Previous Year-End Summaries#
Review 2023: Living Means Seeing
2022: Era and Destiny | Written on the Eve of My 25th Birthday